After Thought

A very, very belated Eid Mubarak to everyone. This Ramadan was the most beautiful, yet. DH and I had an unusual and non-traditional Eid. We ended up eating out and then going to the museum and then to a movie. DH made nihari and halva for day two, yum!

One thing that was of concern… While fasting, I was obviously impaired on a moderate level with lower energy levels and slowed response times to the daily work-related crisis and a dulled sense of creativity. A month of this clearly impacts my program at some level, despite the fact that it is just one month out of twelve; it does affect staff, programs and ultimately the participants. What do you think? Does your fasting, which is a very personal and selfish, albeit spiritual act, negatively impact your surroundings, clients, customers, work-output, patients, staff, etc?

It is especially difficult in a Westernized country whereas Muslims are the minority and the working hours and expectations do not change because of Ramadan. No one at work knew I was fasting either and I felt it selfish and rude to explain it as a means for justification for less than par behavior and work standards and besides I didn’t wasn’t to be a braggart. How do you handle it?

Al Anon

I went to my first Al anon meeting today. I attempted two other times and ended up in the middle of an AA meeting the first time and lost the second time. I am so glad that I persisted, because today was worth it. The group was so courteous, open, caring and aware. I think I am going to like this program. For those who may not know, Al Anon is an unprofessional support group for family and friends of alcoholics. The group is very protective of anonymity and has rules and expectations regarding the self-navigation of twelve steps much the same as the alcoholic goes through in their AA process.

Aggressive Tendencies

I hate that I am weak and cannot say what it is I want with confidence. Hell, if I don’t believe it, who will? I recognize a need to stop my passive-aggressive tendencies. I fear being labeled as an aggressor; I can no longer be passive.

The worlds of my universe seem to be colliding and I must play air traffic controller lest one problem will be assumed into another.

My husband and I have been dancing to a strange tune lately. The record plays round and round, but never seems to end. I feel the pull physically, psychologically, chronologically and logically in the direction of starting the family. Hubby is going through his own motions. He feels a pull in the opposite direction. He clearly isn’t ready for the fatherhood chapter; that coupled with my own fear, leaves a lot of room for ambiguity. The tug-O-war of passive aggressiveness is as follows: he wants me to say with certainty that a child is what I want. He is testing me in some ways. On the other hand I want for him to want it, too. I want him to console and quell my fears. I want for him t feel my pain of the clock rather than make me feel bad for the omnipresent tick-tock. We clearly are not on the same page.

I have a fear of stating my innate desires aloud. I want what he wants. I want him to be a man and take this step. I am saddened that he expects me to shoulder the burden, yet doesn’t validate my fears of further putting off pregnancy and of my fears of loss of energy with age. I feel he is being selfish, but fear saying it out loud. Yet, I think he needs for me to take charge because of his fears.

Colliding on the right hemisphere is the big white elephant: my brother. A recent visit home has disturbed me to a point of no return. I am sick with sadness and anger over the choices he is making. I cannot play nice anymore. I know I have to take care of me and confront my fears surrounding his illness which parallels my father’s abandonment. My father’s suicide is me and is ingrained in every fiber of my being without my knowledge of it being so. I cannot face my brother because he is the ghost of my father. Yet, I cannot ignore it any longer, for my sanity, his health and for the love for my mother. I am once again called upon to take charge and to play “I spot the white elephant in the room”, because there is no one else. All my life I have waited for my Mom, an Aunt, an Uncle, someone to bail us out and it never materialized. I must show my true feelings at any cost as to stop this fairytale and save my mother from her imprisonment of self-blame. I must release my brother even though it means ripping hearts out of place.

I face similar challenges at work in my role as the leader of a fairly-sizable non-profit program.

I feel my whole world is waiting for me to mature and say, “I’ve had enough. I need this… I will not tolerate that…”

Please pray that I have the strength, for I need your help.

Another September Gone

Hi there my long lost friends. I am alive and well. These glorious days have been long and exhausting. Nevertheless, I am grateful for having the health and strength to enjoy my fasts. However, once the sunset dips below the horizon, I greedily stuff and then fizz and burn out. DH and I have been crash and burn. We desire intimacy, but fail to have the energy. Instead, we speak words of kindness, have lengthy philosophical conversations and speak of our dreams.

He has dreams of quitting his job and moving to the east coast to go to law school. I’m okay with that dream as long as it involves kiddos in tow. I do want DH to be happy and to fulfill his dreams. I will support him that as I promised him I would. I truly do not have a problem giving up our current income and a car and the trips for his happiness. The problem is I don’t know that he can do that.

Plus we have to think about anchoring ourselves down with a house so to have a place to host his family. I will not continue sharing such limited space with long-term visitors, ahem, I mean roommates. I learned that we need more space to seek solitude and spread the wealth of material goods. I hate that this is true, but I praise the gifts I have received. We are deep into the rat race my friends. Will we break out?

My visit with my Appa was wonderful. We were so fortunate to have her all to ourselves for 10 days. She is a great, great friend and sister. She understands me better than anyone even though N has two other sisters who are closer in age. Appa came to the US at 20 and is truly an American. She understands us so well. It is so nice to have uncensored girl talk and giggles. Appa even says that she tells me more about her thoughts, fears, desires, etc. than anyone because she trusts that I understand and would never judge. I believe her and that makes me so happy.

I have babies on my mind. I dreamt of a baby last night. It was amazing the intense longing and heartache I felt while looking into that baby’s eyes. Funny, I don’t seem to feel that in my state of consciousness. I mean I adore babies, but I find them more curious than anything. I am officially in the pink zone. I have been off the pill since August. I am tracking dates and flirting with pregnancy. I have to be careful as to not be too forceful because hubby is definitely warm to the idea but not completely hot. Believe me if I have learned anything in my marriage, it is that my husband absolutely despises being told what to do (ha-ha). So, I have to wait for him to heat up to the idea. I’m scared of wasting or losing time. I’m scare that my fear will complicate and stress everything. I’m scared that maybe I don’t want children, because I don’t honestly know 100%. Yet, I’m confident in my hubby to pull through; he always does. The best will be for us to enter into this willingly and excited, right? Or does it just sorta happen and then the love for the child grows over the length of the pregnancy? Help. Let me know your thoughts. Thinking of BMS (Baby Making Sex) is very strange for a 30+ person who has never thought of sex as anything but a physically and emotionally gratifying act rather than as a receiving host.

I went to my hometown this past weekend. It wrecked me, more to post on that. Good news: I purged some of chapter one and got rid of hubby’s sports car and sold our condo. It was so sad to kiss the condo goodbye. We put so much love into that place. We spent countless hours dreaming of the design and decorations and then researching and making the renovations by hand. We sought refuge in there when we were not even “ousted” as husband and wife. We hosted our first meeting with two of the sisters and his parents there. **Goodbye to our love nest.

Bad news: It hurts. It’s not new news. It’s shameful and sad. It needs to be confronted and screamed at. It’s tiring. Tonight I’m going to an Alanon meeting for the first time ever. I’ll share more, because I have to.

Ramadan Becomes Easier

Ramadan Mubarak!

This Ramadan has been by far, the easiest and most enjoyable.

I find that I am even closer to God, my husband and myself. Since it is just the two of us, it becomes a very quiet and intimate affair. Because we don’t have any Muslim friends outside of work (we’re workaholics and we just moved here!), fasting is like our private affair. I enjoy it. Insh’Allah, if we are ever blessed with children, then we will hope to have more Muslim friends in our lives.

I have only broken one fast because I was sick. I think that it helps that I am more mature and this is more about God than myself. I also think that it helps to be in a position of working outside of the house. The days go by much quicker while busying myself at work than on the weekends.
May this Ramadan bring you peace and happiness!