Happy New Year!

Wishing you and your loved ones a peaceful, healthy, and prosperous new year. A special thanks to each of you for all of your insightful and kind words.

Ready or Not, Here I Come

The holiday visit was not at all what I expected, but to be expected. On the plane ride in, I completed The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I had gotten this book for my brother for his birthday. I really did not know much about the book, but I saw it on the shelf and remembered seeing it listed on several of my fellow Blogger’s reading lists.

My brother loved the book. He was very emotional and enthusiastic. Emotion is something of a rarity for my brother over the past year. This peaked my mother’s curiosity and she too read it and raved. Not wanting to miss out on a chance to catch a glimpse of what might make my brother tick, I borrowed the book.

I was so excited to get home and have a discussion with my brother about what he felt while reading this book and what his personal legend is. My mom picked me up from the airport. She said that she was mad at my brother for choosing the bar and football game over me. She spoke of doom. I dismissed it.

We went home and waited and waited; hearts pounding. Finally the phone rings. We didn’t have to pick it up, we knew.

My brother asked for me. He was sobbing. “Please don’t let Mom ‘help’ me anymore.” “Tell her I need to help myself.” “I have lost everything.”

“What do you want?”, I ask. “What do you want for your life?”

He replies, “I want to get better.”

So we hang up the phone for what begins another part in the journey. It took a lot for me to convince my Mom that we were right in not bailing him out. It took a lot of energy to support her when I too was feeling such despair. It took a lot of nagging of self to stir up the deadened emotions.

Why??????? Why has he done this to himself? Why has he done this to Mom, to me? Why do we believe his lies? Why do we enable? Why are we re-living the story twenty years later? Why does my husband have to be a part of this? Why is this so hard?

My brother is very sick. We have never healed. Like the puss of a wound, he is an indicator of our infection.

The Merry of Christmas

I went home to Mom’s house for the Christmas Holiday. When my hubby and I married, we agreed to spend every other Christmas with my Mom because it is so important to her. I no longer buy gifts for anyone except my Mom and brother and more than anything, we enjoy the time together. My Mom is a bit sad about the fact that I no longer attend church with her, but she is just as happy to have us there.

I shudder at the thought that some Muslims might think that it is a sin to wish someone a Merry Christmas or to participate in the celebration with family or friends. The spiritual path is a very personal act between a person and God. Participating in a society as very important and one that requires tolerance. How can we be a religion of peace and not honor and respect the other paths? If we cannot tolerate Christians and Jewish traditions, than how could we “gori” wives ever expect to have the privilege of being married to our Pakistani husbands, etc.?

This year I said the words “Merry Christmas” with more spunk and confidence than my 30 years previous. Like Wayfarer, I want to live by positive example. I want to demonstrate acts of tolerance as a way of opening up hearts and minds and promoting peace. I want someone else to witness the beauty of Islam and consider a convergence.

I want not to alienate my friends and family. My mother has accepted a lot with my choices. She has felt great loneliness and fear in the amount of changes I have endured and the physical and mental distances that I have undergone. For the love of my mother and my family, I celebrate Christmas as a cultural practice that has a tremendous amount of meaning and importance.

Just as I have witnessed the importance of other holidays to other cultures, I am sure you can imagine the importance of gathering together once a year regardless of one’s religious convictions.

“Merry Christmas” means, “I love you”, “Have a blessed life”, “Let’s rejoice” “Let’s celebrate”, “Let’s praise God”, “Praise Jesus”, “Exchange of the materials of our hard work and ingenious invention is a blast”, “You deserve love no matter your religious or socioeconomic status and regardless of your poor choices”, and “Peace on Earth starts with each family”.

My in laws called from Pakistan just as we were sitting down for dinner and the phone went around with words of love and glee. That’s my Christmas.

My Heart Breaks

My first best friend,
My protector,
My interpretor,
My number three fan,
My judge,
My confidant,
My heart breaker.

Reminder

Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
-President Thomas Jefferson

My Jail Time

Aisha’s post on It’s My Life: http://aishaiqbal.blogspot.com/ has me thinking. Suicide is a very touchy subject and I know of the devastation all too well. I am glad that people like Aisha have the courage and compassion to speak up and address the issues. Like all issues, suicide stirs a lot of emotions and people like to opine their thoughts and feelings.

I just wish to convey that mental illness is very complex and affects each person differently. Worse yet, is the fact that it often hidden by the person or shielded by their loved one’s or the surrounding society.

The results of suicide are devastating. It is not enough to blame the person for not seeking help or for being a coward. It is not fair to blame the family for failure to shoulder the burden and alleviate the illness.

My father was not a coward, he was a very brave man. He fought in Vietnam and left his small town coal-mining town in search for a bigger dream. He was the first person in his family to attend college.

My father did not fail to get help. He started with a manic depression title and graduated to hallucinations. He tried many pills and therapies. They worked, too well is some cases; he felt so good he stopped. It was then, that he was so sick, that his mind convinced him of inconceivable, irrational things.

My father was not stupid. He was often dubbed a genius and became very successful despite his crippling shyness.

My mother did not cause this, tho twenty years later, she still doesn’t believe this. My mother’s own family turned their backs. She stayed awake countless nights with watchful eyes and prayers toward the heavens.

My mother gained a tremendous faith in God. My mother had to go on as the “father”, giving up her role as “mom”.

Who in their right mind would trade in their very existence??

I lost a “mom”. I lost faith in adults because NO one came forward to talk to me or my brother or my mother for that matter.

The nuns of the church avowed my question of, “so this means my dad is forever burning in hell?”, by saying, “That’s what the Bible teaches us”. The biggest loss, I lost God at the age of 10 and struggle at 30 to find his greatness.

Honeymoon?

At the time of our Wedding Weekend, we had already been legally married for 13 months. So, to this day, when we are asked “how long have you been married?” I still stumble with the answer. We have decided to celebrate the anniversary of our first ceremony because it is about the day we made the commitment to one another in front of God; not the day we celebrated.

My dear hubby’s parents stayed on for a few weeks afterwards and I immediately went back to work. I was saving my vacation days for a trip to Pakistan later that year.

It was December of last year that we were blessed with a fourth wedding ceremony. (more on that later)

I joke with my hubby that we have never had a honeymoon. What about y’all, did you get a honeymoon?

The Wedding Weekend

Because my husband’s sisters were unable to come (I still had not met two of them at this point), I decided against the traditional bridal party line-up. But, my best friend stood next to me as maid of honor and my hubby’s cousin was best man.

We ended up inviting 150 people to the white dress wedding reception. My husband was somewhat involved, but I did most of the planning myself. Unfortunately, my Mom had fallen ill for several months and was not able to help much.

MashAllah, the weekend was beautiful. Many of our cousins and friends flew in from all over the country and Canada. Everyone was so happy and supportive. LOL, all people on his side knew we were already married, while many guests on my side were clueless!

My hubby’s parents were obviously there, too. My FIL baked my wedding cake!!! It was a beautiful three-tiered fruit and nut cake with marzipan. My MIL crated all of the marzipan flowers and ornamentation with her two hands. Everyone was so amazed that my in-laws would do such a thing; it took days for them to cook and assemble.

The day of the Nikkah, a picture of the Imam who was supposed to marry us was plastered all over the major newspapers and news-stations (he has since been deported for anti-Semitic statements he admitted to making and other “suspicious” activity in Palestine)!

With my Pakistani family being as late as they always are, we arrived to the Nikkah like 45 minutes late. I was freaking out! My family, who is always a half hour early, was to meet us at the mosque. I was so nervous because they were nervous about going to the mosque and this Imam’s picture is all over the place with him being labeled as a terrorist and we kept them waiting!!! But, alas, we arrived and my family was there with shoes off, heads covered, and supportive smiles.

The Nikkah was beautiful. The Imam was a very soft-spoken, kind-hearted man. I cried, my hubby cried, my FIL cried, my mother cried, heck everyone was crying at the end!

The next day was the white dress wedding. We had a ceremony at sunset. The ex-priest officiator started with “Asalaam Ualekum and Peace Be With Everyone” He asked everyone to shake hands and greet one another. We had selected some traditional Christina readings, the Kahlil Gilbran reading and we ended it with a Rumi poem.

What of Marriage? From The Prophet~ By Kahlil Gilbran ~

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.


They run, and they run~ By Jalaluddin Rumi

A lover doesn't figure the odds.

He figures he came clean from God
as a gift without a reason,
so he gives without cause
or calculation or limit.

A lover gambles everything, the self,
the circle around the zero! He or she
cuts and throws it all away.

This is beyond any religion.

Lovers do not require from God any proof,
or any text, nor do they knock on a door
to make sure this is the right street.

They run, and they run.

Everyone had a great time. Both my Mother and my FIL gave speeches about how taken aback they were when my hubby and I announced our love for one another and our intention to marry, but how they see we are perfect for one another. My cousin, who is a nun, kicked off dinner with the Lord’s Prayer. The best past was seeing my in-laws dance together for the first time ever! My MIL has wanted a dance all of her life and she got it!

Planning the Wedding Weekend

So his parents and my mom had given their blessings. All had agreed that they wanted us to have a “public” ceremony. My mom, of course, had a dream of her daughter wearing a white dress and getting married in a church. I obviously didn’t marry in the church, which was never much of an issue. She is a very spiritual person and attends church every Sunday, but she accepted early on that when I married my DH, that things would change. We also wanted the traditional nikkah as well.

So my hubby and I had a lot of planning to do! The wedding weekend as we call it was to take place in early spring and this was now early fall. I had six months to plan the whole ordeal because that was when his parents were able to return. And, frankly there was no reason to slow the process down with us already being married.

So we decided on the nikkah on Friday afternoon with a dinner following and the “white dress” wedding on Saturday evening with a reception following.

My hubby spoke to the Imam about the nikkah, and then we went in search to find someone to officiate the Saturday ceremony. First we went to an old Jewish woman and she was a bit too costly and surprisingly, she kept steering us in the Christian direction. Then we went to an older man who is a former priest. Of course hubby was a bit skeptical about this whole part, but went along with it because it was what my Mom so dearly wanted. Compromise.

We walked in the room to meet this ex-priest dude and we are instantly greeted with a six foot wide banner that reads “Assalamu `alayku la ilaha illa Allah”. Another banner read “Peace Be with You” and then one that read “Shalom”. We sat down and had a lengthy conversation with this man. He and his wife were teachers at a Catholic school, she a nun and he a priest. They fell in love and married. The received so much ill-will for their decision that they really began to question Catholicism. From that point on they have spent their time studying world religions from a historic standpoint.

They marvel at how many similarities there are and how many inaccurate facts have been passed down as truth in Christianity. The man still considers himself a Christian, but believes that the Prophet is the last to be sent by God and that Jesus and the Prophet will unite. He studies Aramaic and teaches this and the story of how all three religions interrelate. He and his wife were fascinating! We spent hours learning from one another.

Hotel Rwanda

We watched Hotel Rwanda. What a great and informative movie. I have posted a link about the autrocities of the genocide and ways we can help.

http://www.rwandapartners.org/

Politcally Correct

The other night my hubby turns to me and says, "I am a classist, racist, and a sexist."
I respond, "No you're not!"
He insists that he is.
I stare at him like who is this person sitting in front of me?
He clarifies:
I know that classes exist and to say otherwise is socially irresponsible. I know that there are varying races and resulting cultures that make us all different. America's insistence of not talking about race because of political correctness makes things worse than better. And, there are notable differences between men and women, so I am a sexist.

Back to the Wedding Story

So I was running around like a mad woman trying to make our home presentable. I was so scared to meet his father and to have his parents staying in our home. I bought new clothes and a new bedspread for the bedroom, etc. Over and over I practiced saying “A salaam Uailekum”.

My dh’s cousin came with us to the airport. The two of them ran off and left me hanging. So I ended up spotting my in-laws first. We shared our greetings. We lugged the bags to the car and headed home. True to fashion, it was my dear MIL that helped the conversation to move forward.

Once in the home, we were bombarded with gifts, pictures and stories. There was not a moment for us to feel awkward. My MIL and SILs had some joras and shalwar kameez stitched for me and the in-laws insisted that I try everything on at once.

My FIL stole my heart. He is so generous, intelligent, passionate, open minded, and complimentary. He is a wonderful teacher a fearless leader, a gentleman’s man, a guiding father and a soft-hearted grand father.

Well, I can’t forget my MIL can I? My MIL is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. She is kind, intelligent, soft-spoken, open minded, and artistic. She is a dreamer, an artist, a natural environmentalist, an easy going friend and sister; she is compassionate, worldly, spiritual and the queen matriarch.

My hubby is so much both his Ammi and Abbu. He is awesome, they are awesome. I am a very lucky girl. So much, so, I often wonder how I ended up with such a lovely family.

They met with my Mom who had just recovered from a major surgery. Everyone tried their best to understand one another and accept that we were newlyweds.

I think that one of the things that made it easier, was that N’s cousin was slated to get married while the in-laws were there. Their wedding was also “rushed” if you will b/c of immigration issues. Fortunately, her parents were able to be there, but his parents were not (they have yet to meet her). My in-laws are very close to his parents and were asked to represent them at their ceremony.

So off to another state we traveled for the wedding. Once we arrived to the bride’s apartment (a lovely woman that was the first to give me a wedding gift-I love her dearly), everything became very chaotic.

Everyone was speaking urdu and there were a million people crammed in one apartment. The wedding was slated for the next day. I know they were talking about me. I was unclear as to what was said about our marriage. I was obviously introduced as the wife, but I’m still not sure about the context. My hubby was out of the picture for most of the trip.

The nikkah was beautiful. My MIL took care to explain what was going on. The reception was nice, too. My SIL and her family came in from PK the day of the ceremony. The children were exhausted. My SIL asked me to hold her baby. That was my comfort the whole night and everyone thought he was mine LOL

The next day, we were having dinner at the apartment. I walked into the kitchen to help the ladies. They started speaking English and were talking about how awful it is that these Pakistani men are dating “gori” women. I was very hurt by this especially because my SIL and the new bride were part of the conversation. I just continued to wash dishes and wished I were somwhere else.

Once dinner was served, I was invited to sit down at the table. Having been brought up with manners, I declined the offer and counter-offered it to the man who was offering because he was an elder and there was limited seating. He insisted, so I sat down thinking that this was acceptable because I was a new bride. The room went silent and everyone looked shocked. Who did this white woman think she was sitting at the table!? I think that man set me up because he stood there with a smirk on his face.

The next day we were in the car after having had another dinner where I was silent because everyone was speaking urdu and staring at me. I broke down. I couldn’t hold it in any more. How embarrassing.

Once my hubby and my in-laws returned home, things were much better. We started to plan for their return, so that we could have our ceremony.

Then Comes a Baby Carriage

We moved here a few days ago. I don't even know which day it is. I have been so busy with unpacking and organizing, that I just don't know which day it is anymore. It has been six weeks since I have had to wake up to an alarm clock! It has been so long since I have had a period in my life where I did not work.

Being a SAHW is not easy! I can't even imagine doing it with kids. Good practce, though. Now that I am far away from family and friends and playing house in the new and bigger space, I am thinking more and more about babies.

My hubby freaked out when I stopped taking the b/c pills even though we had talked about it. My prescrip. had run out and we had changed insurance cos. So we discussed how it really isn't good for me to continue taking the pill. So I set up an appt. with a gyn. to discuss options.

The gyn. was a very nice Arab woman. She seemed very curious-asking a lot of peronal questions. I explained to her my concerns. Suddenly I become a "pre-conception" patient. She tells me that the best option for me is to use rhythm method and condoms and "if you get pregnant, well you are married.."

She sent me to the lab for some tests (RH, Thyroid, etc) and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. I was happy and on a high. For once in my life, I started to see myself as a woman capable of carrying child; rather than child trying to play "woman".

What I was left with: A very expensive lab bill, an unused prescription, an angry husband who didn't want to have intercourse for fear of impregnating me.

I was so upset. A friend advised me to put everything on hold, because of the move, etc. She reminded me that we need to be on the same page. She was right. I called the doctor for a birth control pill prescription.

I wasn't trying to get pregnant, I was merely trying an alternative, albeit a not as safe, method.

My inlaws are starting to lay it on THICK. Every conversation is about when we are going to start our family. Did y'all deal with this?? My SIL is even encouraging me to just stop taking the pill-which I would NEVER do.

Moving Forward

The next few months were pretty bad. My hubby was quite depressed. I was so scared and unsure in so many ways. Here we were married, but no one knew, so it really did not feel like a marriage. My hubby was still unable to work, so a lot of friends and family were giving me pressure about his not working, etc.

Later that summer, my dh's parents said that they were coming to visit. They were told before they came that we were married. His sisters and all others were so upset. They had not even thought that their brother was thinking about marriage and they did not get their opportunity to "pick a wife". Once I asked my hubby if his family had someone in mind for him to marry. He said no and that they thought he was too young and they had not thought about it, yet. He also said that in some ways his marrying me was better than marrying his college girlfriend. They were againt that union because she is of a different sect (shia).

So his parents are coming!!! My dh and I take my Mom out for breakfast to tell her, too. We wold her that we had married because of legal reasons. She was crushed I'm sure, but she did not show it. She supported it and said, "no one needs to know, now when are we having our wedding?" She wanted to see her daughter in the white dress and she didn't want anyone to know that, *gasp*, we had eloped. I was shocked. I think she may have enterained the thought that we were already married. Or, in some ways, we weren't "really" married- which I guess is arguable.

Pomp and circumstance is a funny thing.

So now the 'rents are coming to visit!!! I was so nervous. My dh and I had bought a condo (yes, before he was even working LOL) We had gutted the place and we were renovating it by ourselves. If you remember the earlier post, I mentioned that his parents had already stayed there on their previous visit.

I really did not want to buy the condo while all that was going on, but my hubby really wanted it. He felt that his parents never took him seriously. He felt that if they saw that he owned his own home and that he was fixing and repairing everything himself, etc., that they would see him as a man with a wife and a home.

The floor was half done, the walls were gutted and not finished and there were boxes everywhere. I was so nervous. I orgnized our friends to come help us ready the place. We pulled an all-nighter, trying to make our home presentable.