My Jail Time
Aisha’s post on It’s My Life: http://aishaiqbal.blogspot.com/ has me thinking. Suicide is a very touchy subject and I know of the devastation all too well. I am glad that people like Aisha have the courage and compassion to speak up and address the issues. Like all issues, suicide stirs a lot of emotions and people like to opine their thoughts and feelings.
I just wish to convey that mental illness is very complex and affects each person differently. Worse yet, is the fact that it often hidden by the person or shielded by their loved one’s or the surrounding society.
The results of suicide are devastating. It is not enough to blame the person for not seeking help or for being a coward. It is not fair to blame the family for failure to shoulder the burden and alleviate the illness.
My father was not a coward, he was a very brave man. He fought in Vietnam and left his small town coal-mining town in search for a bigger dream. He was the first person in his family to attend college.
My father did not fail to get help. He started with a manic depression title and graduated to hallucinations. He tried many pills and therapies. They worked, too well is some cases; he felt so good he stopped. It was then, that he was so sick, that his mind convinced him of inconceivable, irrational things.
My father was not stupid. He was often dubbed a genius and became very successful despite his crippling shyness.
My mother did not cause this, tho twenty years later, she still doesn’t believe this. My mother’s own family turned their backs. She stayed awake countless nights with watchful eyes and prayers toward the heavens.
My mother gained a tremendous faith in God. My mother had to go on as the “father”, giving up her role as “mom”.
Who in their right mind would trade in their very existence??
I lost a “mom”. I lost faith in adults because NO one came forward to talk to me or my brother or my mother for that matter.
The nuns of the church avowed my question of, “so this means my dad is forever burning in hell?”, by saying, “That’s what the Bible teaches us”. The biggest loss, I lost God at the age of 10 and struggle at 30 to find his greatness.
posted by Baji @ Thursday, December 15, 2005
14 comments
14 Comments:
First of all, I apologize - I never meant to hurt your feeling as I am completely unaware about your personal life. But it really make me thank you for sharing so much from your life.
I agree every individual is a universe in itself. I was talking about more general sense on full society basis. I have spent more than half of my life in Pakistan and eevery year more than previous commit suicide for various reasons mainly due to economic and social unjustice. Unfortunately, my 3 friends tried to commit suicide and one died. One of my neighbor commit suicide leaving wife and 2 kids behind. So you can tell how much impact we all have from it. Its a 24/7 painful experience for loved ones behind.
One half face of life is not ugly - its draconian.
Hey mystic, no need for apologies. You seem like one of the sweetest people and I don't even know you LOL :-) I have heard som many negative comments throughout my life and felt an urge to "yell out" a little in this innocent blog.
Baji this must have been so difficult for you. I am confused... why would your dad be "burning in hell?" b/c of his illness? I hope I missed something there and that's not what they told a little child....
One of my close friends had a similar situation but it was her mom who was afflicted. It got out of hand when she was 14... and they sent her (her mother) to Pakistan... my friend got her life in order but the pain she had to go through it was hard to watch.... and the pain is still with her. Many choicces she makes... I just wonder what would have happened if her mother could have been there. I remember she told me once in a fit of frustration that she wished her mother died bc the woman she was now wasn't who she knew. She said it was shameful that her mother had this.. that though its an illness people shunned them as though they were bad people... she was so down that day.. I'll nver forget it... it makes me emotional to recall it.
I'm sorr you have to go through that. But your father was very brave to take the lead and fight in a war, go to college and try to give you and your family a better life.... Illnesses are no one's fault. It's strange how if you have god forbid cancer no one blames anyone.. but if its something inside you.. like autism or manic depression... ppl are quick to point fingers... its not right.
wow ma, that's deep...
my step-son committed suicide 5 years ago; he was 27 i think (1 yr younger than me at the time). he had tried many times throughout his adult years to do it, to no avail. he (and my husband) sought out help many times, had been hospitalized, medicated, but it seemed there was not much anyone could do.
i agree your father seemed to be very strong and brave in his life, even moreso since he was ill.
life after vietnam alone makes him deserving of great honour (my cousin served in the war, and years later he would think that he was being attacked, etc. needless to say that as a young girl, i was scared almost to death. i don't know if he was ever offered help, or was just coined the 'crazy cousin'...)
My mother committed suicide almost 6 yrs ago. She had been struggling with depression for over 30 years. She was actually on medication at the time. She was a very good and generous woman. She did so much for everyone. 6 years later it is still so painful that I have a hard time even being or communicating much with my family.
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If God is that cruel that he will burn his own creation ever in hell, I don't need that God either !! (We have orthodox in every religion so believe what your heart says. This is directly between you and your God).
These stories you all share are so moving. Its a situation people in the muslim community try to pretend doesnt exist. It makes me so mad. I have a cousin with mental illness... she's ver depressed and she's a cutter... but her parents are in denial..and besides "what if people find out?" they dont want her to get counseling.. in a way I thought of her as I posted about Bill Clarey... I know she reads my blog and I pray she'll help herself since no one else seems to care... Only through talking about it will people be brave enough to get the help they need and help the people in their life.
Mystic, Aisha, Something Mu, and Surviving thank you for your comments. I must admit that I was surprised to see so many of you within our little blog circle have experienced this.
When my father died, I was nine. I was very confused and had heard so many rumours about how my father's death was not accepted by the Catholic Church b/c it was suicide. I asked the nuns at my church (through a letter) and one approached me to tell me that it was true that one who commits suicide may be sent to hell. Obviously I took this to heart.
Surviving: You must be devastated. I am sorry. May I ask why you have trouble talking to your family? I know my family does not talk about it at all.
My mother did a lot of things for other people. I really think at times it was too much. There were several situations that were going on with other family members at the time that I really feel contributed to my mother falling into a deeper depression inspite of the medication that she was on that had been working for her previously. From the beginning everyone seemed to blame my mother for what she had done. No one wanted to accept any responsibility or admit that they hadn't done things for her that they should have. I won't get into specifics here. From the beginning I have felt guilty for not doing more. My mother's death changed my life quite a bit. In some ways it contributed to problems that led to my first marriage failing. Everyone else seemed to have just moved on like it wasn't really that important. I was/am a lot like my mother in many ways. Part of me feels that if I let them my family will take advantage of me and use me the way they did my mother.
I am sure, she must be happy now seeing you happy i your new life.
Something mu, I am so sorry that your husband ad yourself endured this pain. Sometimes it is out of our control no matter how much we try. An illness is so hard to comprehend.
Surviving, thank you so much for sharing. It must be so, so difficult. I recall a post where you were missing your mom especially with the advent of your children. As mystic said, I am sure she is at peace knowing that you are happy.
I know that I have a lot of anger issues. As part of a healing process, I wrote a letter to my Mom and to other relatives detailing (several pages) my anger, resentment, sense of abandonment, etc. I never sent them out of respect. Do you have trouble with anger as well? I have abandonment issues, too. LOL Y'all should charge me for this therapy :-)
thanks for sharing this. it is something that is soooo common, yet so swept under the rug. Peace to you.
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