Another September Gone

Hi there my long lost friends. I am alive and well. These glorious days have been long and exhausting. Nevertheless, I am grateful for having the health and strength to enjoy my fasts. However, once the sunset dips below the horizon, I greedily stuff and then fizz and burn out. DH and I have been crash and burn. We desire intimacy, but fail to have the energy. Instead, we speak words of kindness, have lengthy philosophical conversations and speak of our dreams.

He has dreams of quitting his job and moving to the east coast to go to law school. I’m okay with that dream as long as it involves kiddos in tow. I do want DH to be happy and to fulfill his dreams. I will support him that as I promised him I would. I truly do not have a problem giving up our current income and a car and the trips for his happiness. The problem is I don’t know that he can do that.

Plus we have to think about anchoring ourselves down with a house so to have a place to host his family. I will not continue sharing such limited space with long-term visitors, ahem, I mean roommates. I learned that we need more space to seek solitude and spread the wealth of material goods. I hate that this is true, but I praise the gifts I have received. We are deep into the rat race my friends. Will we break out?

My visit with my Appa was wonderful. We were so fortunate to have her all to ourselves for 10 days. She is a great, great friend and sister. She understands me better than anyone even though N has two other sisters who are closer in age. Appa came to the US at 20 and is truly an American. She understands us so well. It is so nice to have uncensored girl talk and giggles. Appa even says that she tells me more about her thoughts, fears, desires, etc. than anyone because she trusts that I understand and would never judge. I believe her and that makes me so happy.

I have babies on my mind. I dreamt of a baby last night. It was amazing the intense longing and heartache I felt while looking into that baby’s eyes. Funny, I don’t seem to feel that in my state of consciousness. I mean I adore babies, but I find them more curious than anything. I am officially in the pink zone. I have been off the pill since August. I am tracking dates and flirting with pregnancy. I have to be careful as to not be too forceful because hubby is definitely warm to the idea but not completely hot. Believe me if I have learned anything in my marriage, it is that my husband absolutely despises being told what to do (ha-ha). So, I have to wait for him to heat up to the idea. I’m scared of wasting or losing time. I’m scare that my fear will complicate and stress everything. I’m scared that maybe I don’t want children, because I don’t honestly know 100%. Yet, I’m confident in my hubby to pull through; he always does. The best will be for us to enter into this willingly and excited, right? Or does it just sorta happen and then the love for the child grows over the length of the pregnancy? Help. Let me know your thoughts. Thinking of BMS (Baby Making Sex) is very strange for a 30+ person who has never thought of sex as anything but a physically and emotionally gratifying act rather than as a receiving host.

I went to my hometown this past weekend. It wrecked me, more to post on that. Good news: I purged some of chapter one and got rid of hubby’s sports car and sold our condo. It was so sad to kiss the condo goodbye. We put so much love into that place. We spent countless hours dreaming of the design and decorations and then researching and making the renovations by hand. We sought refuge in there when we were not even “ousted” as husband and wife. We hosted our first meeting with two of the sisters and his parents there. **Goodbye to our love nest.

Bad news: It hurts. It’s not new news. It’s shameful and sad. It needs to be confronted and screamed at. It’s tiring. Tonight I’m going to an Alanon meeting for the first time ever. I’ll share more, because I have to.