Spoiling the Apple
I am rushing out the door, running late for work. She shouts from her bed, “When you return, could you please help me with the laundry?” I pause, deciding whether or not to ignore her and blame it on my poor hearing. But, I decide to play nice and I turn around, march upstairs and prepare for the laundry discussion.
“Ammi, I won’t be home until late tonight, remember I am obligated to go to the fundraiser after work. Why don’t you have N (her son) help you?” She responds, “No, you help when you get home” “But, Ammi, I won’t be home until after ten pm or so. Just ask N, he certainly knows how to run the washing machine.”
I return home around 10:30 pm. Ammi again asks me to assist with the laundry. Flabbergasted, I ask, “didn’t you ask N?” She plays the game, ignoring my question and repeating her request. “Why don’t you show me how to run the machine tomorrow”, she says.
Unbelievable! Would someone please tell me why she refuses to ask her son to do ANYTHING, but has no problem asking me to do everything from cooking, to taking the garbage out and doing the laundry? This is especially baffling when I work an equal amount of long hours as her son.
Is it that she spoils him or that she is afraid of being a burden on him or both? It’s insane and it pisses me off to no end!
posted by Baji @ Sunday, July 16, 2006
20 comments
20 Comments:
It's because it's considered a "woman's job". They don't understand that things are different here..that guys change diapers, feed babies, help with dinner, do laundry, etc. I pretty much think it's unheard of for a guy to do these things in Pakistan. My hubby helps me out TONS here with the kids, but if I ask him to change a diaper in Pakistan I'll get the look and he won't do it..AND his family would be horrified.
As for your job, she probably thinks it's bad that you work and aren't home to do the laundry yourself ha ha..I imagine she feels she's rescueing her poor son from the neglectful gori.
I may be wrong, but this is what I've seen...but my husband's family is just well, messed up.
It's because culturally men aren't expected to "help" around the house which of course is WRONG Islamically because the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) used to help his wives in the home and mend his own clothing but well that's a whole 'nother discussion.
I even catch this from my Pakistani husband sometimes when I ask him to help with something in the house he'll look at me and say "I WORK for a living" and I'm like Oh OK and I just sit on my ass and doing nothing all day sure whatever. .. he gets up and helps me anyway. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH
Yes I agree with Sobia majorly. *sigh* How frustrating. I hhave been there many times. I'm glad you at least said something insteaed of quietly going along. Did you mention this incident to your husband? What did he say? Is your MIL nice to you still even as she expects the gender roles to play? Or has her politness gone steadiy downhill?
Sorry for all the Q;s :)
Hi Sobia and Aisha and welcome Anony.
Sobia- yes you are right, a lot of it is "its the women's job mentatlity". However I can't help but feel that my MIL reacts very much out of fear almost. Not to say that her husband or my hubby would ever hurt her, but this feeling like we have to jump out of our sets to make sure the man's beely is full and he is happy Grrrrr!
Aisha, no my MIL has never been rude or mean. We are just getting on one another's nerves because of long passages of time with no one else for either of us to communicate with. We both try very hard to understand one another.
About the burden thing, I think she does fear being a burden on her son is some ways and that is okay to place the burdens on me as a woman. Does this make any sense? Maybe my husband is just plain-ol spoiled.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Seriously, the women run around like this in Pakistan and it's expected of them. The men have no worries at home..the ladies take care of EVERYTHING..of course, they have maids there and that helps, but I bet it's more of this nag inside her to make sure everything is perfect in the home. These ladies have nothing better to do with their time. It's sad really.
As for being a burden on her son, she'd be the first MIL I've heard of who didn't think her son owed her something. She might be alright if she's worried about being a burden..but from your trash stories..I think she really doesn't care too much what anyone thinks ha ha
>>>> However I can't help but feel that my MIL reacts very much out of fear almost. Not to say that her husband or my hubby would ever hurt her, but this feeling like we have to jump out of our sets to make sure the man's beely is full and he is happy Grrrrr!<<<<
I think this is also cultural & not just exclusive to Pakistan/India because I've also observed it at the homes of my Algerian friends. I have one friend who at times is literally running around her house trying to make everything perfect (spotless home, spotless kids, cooked food) before her husband comes home when I'm visiting & I've seen that previously in the home of my other Algerian friend & a Jordanian friend as well. My Jordanian friend was 2 days away from giving birth to her 2nd child & cleaning the kitchen floor on her hands so it would be perfect before her husband got home. I don't know if it's done from pressure put on by the husband or the inlaws or if it's something that's culturally ingrained.
I can say though that I have felt this pressure from my own husband before but it's not something that is done consciously on his part and it's been a while since I've experienced it but it goes like this - we are sitting down to relax & watch a movie, hubby says baby would you get me a soda, I get the soda come back and sit down, then it's baby did you turn off the light in the kitchen, yes I did.. OK well can you check it .. go to check, come back to sit down - oh please get me some popcorn now.. get the popcorn come back sit down oh you need to go check on the kid .. check the kid sit down.. I think you get the idea. The thing is he doesn't even REALIZE he's doing it until I get annoyed and say OK anything ELSE before I sit down?
Haven't seen this with my own parents/grandparents though so I'm thinking it is really something culturally ingrained.
Asalaams,
I am sad to inform you that you are not alone. Like yourself, I come from "desi land", I don't think your theory pertaining your Mother in law is true. Since I have lived all my life with "desi culture", if I were to analyse her inner realm, I think She is not used to asking her "high mighty son" to do chores. As my mother, she does not bother to ask her sons to pick up a glass or a plate..She eithers does all the work by herself or asks myself and my sister to do it for her!
Now I would not be surprised if my future sister in law were to complain about his lack of contribution..(God Forbid. I hope good for them)
Man i am sooooo frustrated being part of whatever culture where Gender equallity is not practiced. ( a shame really!)
Amatullah,
I do believe that she is afraid of burdening him and is fearful that he will leave.
He did "leave" and came here at 16 to never returned.
And then he did threaten to reove himself from their family if they didn't accept his decision to marry me.
I do think she does fear angering him in some ways.
And welcome, Amatullah, thank you for stopping by :-)
Salaam dear,
Unfortunately we desi chicks really enable our men in their do-nothingness.
Call it love, coddling, low expectations, whatever, it's insanity with so many men and women working equal hours outside of the home & women STILL having to do all the work inside the home too.
Warmly,
Baraka
good day!
Keep up this great resource.
I like it a lot! Good work, keep it up. You have to look at this too.
Another links here:
[url=http://codeine.butkel1.org/]codeine[/url] http://codeine.butkel1.org/ codeine
Aufiderzein!
good day!
Keep up this great resource.
We enjoyed visiting your website very much. We enjoyed visiting your website very much.
I know another good sites:
[url=http://paydayloans-ts.blogspot.com/]pay day loans[/url] http://paydayloans-ts.blogspot.com/ pay day loans
Buy!
Hi
Great site. Keep doing.
I like it a lot! Good work, keep it up. You have to look at this too.
My links here:
[url=http://insurancequotes-com.blogspot.com/]insurance quotes[/url] http://insurancequotes-com.blogspot.com/ insurance quotes
See ya!
hello there!
Great site. Keep doing.
Very much interesting site. Here a lot of helpful information.
I know another good sites:
http://vicodin-odin.blogspot.com/ vicodin
Ciao!
Hello
Very like it!
I like it a lot! Good work, keep it up. Tomorrow I shall return again.
Try this - very useful:
[url=http://vicodin.butkel1.org/]vicodin[/url] http://vicodin.butkel1.org/ vicodin
[url=http://oxycontin.butkel1.org/]oxycontin[/url] http://oxycontin.butkel1.org/ oxycontin
Thank's!
[url=http://butalbital-best5.blogspot.com/]butalbital[/url] http://butalbital-best5.blogspot.com/
Good Luck!
Gutten TAG!
I bookmark your site, best greetings.
I like it a lot! Good work, keep it up. Here a lot of helpful information.
I know another good sites:
[url=http://viagra.butkel1.org/]viagra[/url] http://viagra.butkel1.org/ viagra
See ya!
salute!
I bookmark your site, best greetings.
Very much interesting site. We enjoyed visiting your website very much.
Another links here:
[url=http://lortab.butkel1.org/]lortab[/url] http://lortab.butkel1.org/ lortab
Thank's!
Gutten TAG!
I bookmark your site, best greetings.
Very much interesting site. Tomorrow I shall return again.
Check this:
[url=http://paydayloans-ts.blogspot.com/]pay day loans[/url] http://paydayloans-ts.blogspot.com/ pay day loans
Ciao!
Post a Comment
<< Home