All in the Family

Sigh, the in-laws have gone and the house is quiet. My FIL came a month ago and spent three weeks here. My Mom joined in, per my request, for a few days of action. One week ago, all aborted and we are once again kids home alone as husband and wife.

Right before my Mom came, I started having doubts. She has recently retired and when we moved away from her, she had sad that she would visit four times a year. So while Ammi was here, Mom was feeling lonely and “left out” she wanted to know when her turn would come to visit Hotel Pakistani-Americana.

DH and I decided it would be good for her to visit a few days while Abbu and Ammi were both here. Sounded innocent enough considering she has joined us for dinners, hanging out at the pad and theater trips, etc. the previous two years when we lived in the same city as her.

But, then I panicked. Would they get along? Would Ammi and Abbu understand my Mom’s simple and somewhat crass ways? Would my Mom have patience to deal with PPT (Paki People Time)?

Of course, I had reached my limit by that time and I nearly cracked-or maybe I did crack-who knows? So I was stressed by the anticipation of a nightmarish mix of the collective in-law gathering. Sheesh if we had children, we could all just divert attention to them darlings, right?

Well, despite all my fear, the trip went pretty darned well. This is all owed to the fact that MIL/FIL and Mom each went out of their way to try and understand one another and we all met somewhere in the middle. This is not to say that I enjoyed myself immensely. I was extremely cautious and stressful the whole time and it has taken me two and a half weeks to decompress. Like a hawk, I watched and monitored every second, ready to referees any misunderstandings. I really didn’t give them enough credit-next time, eh?

To ease the pain, we traveled up North to the cabin for the weekend. Discovering new places and the surrounding beauty definitely helped move the time and hide the awkwardness.

Most memorable moment: FIL shouting downstairs to MIL that he needed a lota. The conversation took place between two stories with Mom and I on the couch. MIL was offering up suggestions of which kitchen gadgets would suffice… “How about the measuring cup? No, how about this watering can? “Forget it, I’ll just wash this glass and bring it up.” Imagine the horror on my Mother’s face when I finally explained what a lota was and how it was used. All the while, trying to give the lota due-justice with explaining rituals of cleanliness and being a “good Muslim”. Some things are hard to wrap one’s mind around… A Christian American, who has never even witnessed a bidet, will probably just never understand that custom!

Most annoying moment(S): My MIL INSISTED on speaking on my behalf and answering every question my Mother asked of me. I.e. Mom: How is work going? Me: “Oh..” MIL: Mash’Allah, she works so hard, you know. And she has to hire a new supervisor….. WTH? Firstly, how dare she take away Mother and daughter time when she has had so much time with me? Secondly, my Mom is her elder, isn’t she supposed to respect that or something? This took place the entire weekend. It really, really hurt my Mom, but she never said otherwise out of love for me. My Mom is certainly not the quiet and timid type, either. That really, really hurt. I am not quite sure how to bring that one up to hubby without it blowing out of control. I don’t think they (DH and FIL) even notice, because they are so used to her prattling on and dominating conversation. And being the matriarch and all, I think they are used to that or they just tune her out? Either way, it is wrong and I need to address it. Suggestions?

Most shameful moment: My Mom loves casinos. Now don’t get me wrong, she is by no means a gambling addict, but playing slots are her favorite past-time. She is retired and she has worked very, very hard for her money. She really doesn’t like shopping and she is very simple, and doesn’t have a lot of hobbies. So she and her church-going buddies take bus trips to play slots. It may be wrong, but not in her Christian mind. And it is the cultural norm for her. She spends two hundred dollars and enjoys the buffet. So, my Mom kept dropping hints that she wanted to stop at one of the casinos we passed on our way to the cabin. She was not getting my repeated statements that it would not be a good idea and that the company we were with would not enjoy it. She pushed and pushed in her cute way, knowing that my DH would take her (because we have on several occasions in the past). I think this was her secret rebellion.

So DH turns the car into the casino and drops us at the front door and parks the car. I pull my Mom aside and lecture her like a child saying that she pushed her way into this and that the in-laws were only being gracious and didn’t I know that this was a sin and she shouldn’t drag others into her sins….. Tears swelled in her eyes and she looked so shocked and hurt. Who was this girl standing in front of her? I’m sure she wanted to smack me right across the face, but of course she didn’t. I’m sure she wanted to cuss me out for calling her a hypocrite when I was the biggest hypocrite of them all and insecure on top of it! Here she had been hearing stories about how Ammi’s nephews work in the gambling industry and how Ammi’s brother used to take her to Vegas every year…. My Mom assumes that just as she and her Christian friends conveniently dismiss gambling from their righteous paths, so do Muslims, which she is absolutely correct in that assumption. But, I freaked out thinking that we were offending my MIL and FIL, but really the only person I offended was my dear mother. Bless her for all that she has tolerated in giving the love of her life to a foreign culture.