You May Want To Go Around, It's A Long Whine

dis·or·der (ds-ôrdr)
n. A lack of order or regular arrangement; confusion.
A breach of civic order or peace; a public disturbance.
An ailment that affects the function of mind or body: eating disorders and substance abuse

Each of us has a disorder or two. I am having a bad day after having seen two different doctors, today. I have cried and my heart is very heavy. I need to look upward and get past this.

Hello, my name is Baji. I have binaural hearing loss. I have had this since I was four years old. I have worn a hearing aid since then. Refusing to allow me to believe that I am disabled or crippled, my Mom helped me to create one of my biggest secrets.

I am thankful for this. I am a success story, I guess. Mom went through great lengths to help me conceal this. I never wore my hair up in fear of showing off my disorder. I remember on picture days, my Mom would send me to school with my hair up sans hearing aid and I would bumble around like a fool. She shielded me from the mean kids, although occasionally it would get out. I was beaten up by a few neighborhood boys who took a whiffle ball bat (no, not Run DMC here) to my ear repeatedly. It is still beyond me as to why humans can be so mean like that. Kids teased me, and I never had a lot of friends.

My brother was my savior. He was my hearing guide so to speak. From the age of three on, he would be my interpreter, telling my Mom and other relatives and friends what I wanted to ask for or say. I was painfully shy. When we were older, good friends like lemondaisy knew of the disorder, but did not care. I was always surrounded by other disorder lies. In high school, I started to come out of my shell. This was because my big brother let me hang out with his friends. This is probably the reason that I have always had so many male friends.

My Mom, bless her, used to make me practice my speech. She would stand in one room and say words and I had to repeat them without seeing her. I have a great knack of reading lips and facial/emotional expressions. This is one of many reasons I chose social work as a profession.

I cannot complain. I am proud to say that I have gone through college, including grad school, without any special assistance. I would wager to say that most of my friends and professors really had no idea of my disorder.

But, the aging faucet has started to drip. It is inevitable. The prognosis is that my hearing is worsening. I have been avoiding this for far too long. I know that I have to have a second aid to assist my right ear. I have found order in my chaos, and this knew prognosis throws a wrench in it all. For some reason, I have convinced myself that I with two aids, then I am surely disabled.

The odds of someone noticing an aid is doubled. I can no longer use a telephone like a normal person. I can no longer lay my head on my honey’s lap while watching a movie. I can no longer avoid the awful beeping feedback of when someone hugs me by automatically guiding the hug to my right side. I can no longer take in “natural” sounds unaided by technology.

But you see in my magic trick, I have also created quite a scene. I am the fool in my own movie. My denial has kept me from my full potential. My denial causes great embarrassment for myself and my love ones. My denial causes me to be quiet or defensive. I have noticed my friends’ and loved ones concern. I am holding myself back by not hearing to my full potential.

I am scared that I will become more disordered. I am grasping at straws. What if it gets worse? My husband has been such a great supporter and source of strength, but what if the disorder becomes a disability. What if it embarrasses him? What if he leaves me? What if my children are affected by this? What if they are embarrassed?

What if I become stronger with overcoming this? What if I become a source of inspiration for someone someday? What if my faith is being tested and is enhanced.

How dare I quip about something so minute when there are people with much more serious ailments? I think I should stop the tears and count my blessings that I have so little to worry about and that I am able to afford hearing aids and that I am blessed to have the opportunity to serve others.