Next Time, I Will Have Heat

I no longer work. Friday was my last day. It was bittersweet to say the least. The morning was great. I spent time with my staff and they were so sweet. They gave me a framed picture of all of us and a beautiful card. The sentiments in the card were so sweet and real. I cried. They cried. We all cried. We are really a dysfunctional family that serves some of the most hated, unwanted people; the homeless.

Later we went to the main office for my “surprise” cake and ice cream, which I knew about. I made the decision to break my fast for this. I know this is wrong, but I am weak, I guess more than anything, I just wanted to be in good spirits on my last day. While I have gotten more familiar with the patterns of fasting, I am still “out of it” and distant. I felt so bad all week for feeling so tired and weak and tried to overcome this so that no one would know. Especially this week, were I was supposed to be more relaxed and enjoying the farewell and when my staff were seeking so much of my attention.

I do realize the point is missed, though. Submitting, or having Islam, should be greater than any day-to-day activity such as my going away party or my Mom’s retirement party, etc It is very difficult to be so strong, when you don’t have anyone around to share this with. My friends have been very supportive. But, I do still project some of my own uneasiness because it is all so new and unfamiliar.

I know that my intentions are what matters. I also get scared because I do not want to subscribe to fear. I don’t think any religion should be based on fear. I felt that my upbringing was a bit like that.

I have enjoyed fasting. I am grateful for the opportunity to do what is asked of God. I feel good. I like sharing the act with my hubby and his family. I appreciate the opportunity to devote this time and to share my intentions and educate my friends and family. I enjoy my daily readings about Prophet’s life. Ramadan Mubarak!

I cried last night because of my boss (ex as of Friday). He hurt me so bad and so many people make excuses for him- I will not! As mentioned earlier, I went to that office for cake. He was there. He was enthralled by the woman of the hour. She took over the conversation as usual and dominated the party with stories of her recent labor and delivery. She passed her baby around and in turned into a baby shower of sorts. I sat in a corner not saying much. Finally, I got up to leave. I went to say goodbye to my boss and he was gone. He had left and never even said goodbye!

What kind of person am I? I must be so stupid. Why else would I take a pay cut to work as a program director to be treated this way? Why would I tirelessly work for the past two years to help people out with no heat, no drinking water, etc. to be treated with so much disrespect. I wasn’t even authorized to by a fridge so that my poor staff could pack their lunches and we accepted it because the organization was poor. We had NO HEAT for years! I was acting director, supervisor, hr, fundraiser, organizer, case manager, marketing director, secretary, etc. for what???? To not even get a “goodbye”, “good luck”, or even thank you! I have a master’s degree and many years of experience. I have brought in so many grants, staff, and resources. I have turned everything around-thank you very much! There I feel better. I still feel so stupid.